Bubbling Water Spiral
by lackey H
Summary: A fic that aims to take a lot of cliches about Naruto's possible relatives and, well, chuck them out the window. With a vengance.
1. Chapter one

Bubbling Water Spiral

A Naruto fanfiction

By LackeyH

Episode one.

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Mitarashi Anko.

Age: 26

Status: Single.

Children: None.

Anko stared at the little entry in the slim black book she held in one hand. "This... is it?" She asked, frowning. "My entire entry into the Clan charts?" She smirked and flopped down onto a conveniently placed chair. "Seems a little small doesn't it?"

"Of course it's small!" Exclaimed a wizened old man who stood opposite where she sat, next to a giant rack of scrolls - some of which were new, while some were going brown with age. "You're one person in, what, a few thousand? Unless you have done some great deed for the village, that tiny entry is all the space we can spare." He nodded to himself as he stalked across the room, his dark blue robe trailing along the floor and leaving great furrows in the blanket of dust that lay there. "Ahhh... so many people and so little space to record them all. The Hokage should really put some thought into allocating more funds for the recording of populace."

"Yeah, yeah," Anko waved one hand at the old man as she stared at the little booklet - a much simplified copy of but a small section of one of the scrolls which sat in the rack that dominated the room. "She still has to allocate for the damage done during the exam remember, heck, even the ANBU are taking pay cuts to help pay for it." She paused and smirked. "Not very big ones of course, but enough to make me wonder why I never bothered to go into teaching or something."

"You? Teach? Feh. The dead would turn in their graves at such a thought." The old man, the Recorder as his job title was known, puttered around the room for a while before eventually coming to a stop at one small stone box placed against one of the few empty walls in the room. "Speaking of the dead, you wanted this as well did you not?" He asked, pulling out a small stone tablet. "Mitarashi 'Taro'"

"... Don't... don't call him that." Whispered the black-haired jounin as she stood up and gently plucked the tablet from the old man's wrinkled hands. "He was gonna be named Naoki." She stated, staring at the little hewn stone object.

Next to her the Recorder patted her on the shoulder. The small tablet was one of the many that were stored here. Tiny, stone-cold reminders of those children that either never had a chance at life or had that chance snatched away shortly after being born. They were stored in the stone box simply because... well. Actually he didn't quite know why they were stored there, only that they had always been stored there since before he had even begun to work here himself.

"I was gonna quit as a jounin you know." Continued the curvy black-haired woman. "I'd continue to bring in money of course, just at Chuunin level - so that I could refuse a mission if he needed me to be there with him." Anko muttered as she cradled the tablet like a baby and gently rocked it from side to side. "... it's unfair." She whispered. "He never even got the chance to live... and it was all my fault!"

"Come now Mitarashi-san," Stated the old man, his voice quite and comforting. "You couldn't have known. No-one predicted the coming of Kyuubi, no-one could have guessed that the hospital would have been the first place to be hit."

"I should have died with him, I shouldn't have let them drug me!" Anko swore furiously for a few minutes as she replayed the terrible night of her child's death in her head...

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She stumbled, half blind, through the thick smoke that filled the building. From the feeling of heat hot enough to make her sweat she guessed that at least half the building was on fire. Stumbling along, still weak from having given birth not too long ago, the fourteen year old kunoichi made her way down the long corridor that led from where recovering mothers stayed to where newborn infants were cared for until they could leave.

Mitarashi Naoki, for that was what her baby had been named, had only been born that morning and had spent his first hour of life being anxiously held by an ecstatic mother and a proud father. Whilst fourteen was a perfectly acceptable age to begin a family in the fire country, it being a year over the minimum allowed by the Daimyo's laws, many of the leaf village's people considered it to be far too young. As a result Anko had, for the past nine months, been subjected to the disapproving glares of the older female populace.

It had all been worth it though, the pain, the difficulties of living with a child growing inside her, the views of those around her... All of it was as nothing now that she held this tiny child, her son, in her arms.

Her husband, or rather husband-to-be, had been as proud as anything. His friends, his team-mate and a few of his fellow shinobi, had all gathered around to congratulate him on the birth of his son. Their girlfriends on the other hand gathered around Anko in order to congratulate her instead since, as they were younger women, they didn't understand why the elder women disapproved.

Still, none of that really mattered anymore. Not in this choking, smoke filled hell that, only a few hours ago, had been the main maternity ward of this particular hospital. The old child, or young woman as would be more appropriate to call her, staggered further along with one hand against a wall for support as she moved. Behind her she could dimly make out the frantic yelling of highly experienced shinobi as they went about making sure that everyone evacuated the building, by force when necessary. Sooner or later one of the would be following her own trail, not that she was going to let them evacuate her. Not without her son at least.

A deep rumbling sensation caused her to lose her footing, and sent her falling forwards to land somewhat painfully on the floor with one arm, having been caught on the wall as she fell, bent back at an unnatural angle. Grimacing at the pain from what, she assumed, was a dislocated shoulder at the very least, Anko was about to pull herself to her knees when she felt something pass by a short distance above her head. Moments later she was forced to roll onto her good side as slabs of concrete the size of horses or larger smashed down around her, one of them missing by mere inches. Grunting due to the pain caused by having to move with her injured arm, Anko glared up into the sky.

Wait.

The sky?

The black-haired girl's eyes widened as she realized that, of this six story hospital, the top three stories had just vanished in a hail of rubble. Gulping in fear, fear of the thing that could cause this much destruction in a single blow.

Kyuubi. The nine-tailed demon fox.

Yes. The thing that had swept over her head had probably been one of it's tails as it ripped the top off of this, now seemingly insignificant, building. A tiny feeling that began somewhere in the pit of her stomach started to work it's way towards her conscious thoughts. Falling rubble was nothing to a well trained kunoichi such as herself, even in her current condition.

To a baby however...

No. No. Her son was still alive! She knew he had to be!

She... She... was feeling somewhat woozy... Looking down her body, Anko noted the presence of a slim black dart stuck into her calf. Evidently someone had come after her in order to evacuate her by force and hit her with a knockout drug of some kind. Even as her vision began to fade, she was aware of being lifted up into the air to be carried away. Above her, still standing above the hospital was the smoldering orange form of the Kyuubi. Evidently it was having some trouble moving away... Almost as if something were holding onto it's heart and pulling it out...

It was, as she had eventually learnt, being sealed away at the cost of the Fourth Hokage's own life.

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"... if I hadn't been hit I would have made it to the nursery..." Mumbled Konoha's wildest jounin, though at the moment 'wild' was not a term that would fit very well. "It's all my fault."

It was hard, remembering the past like this. Internally she knew that she could have made it to the nursery had she not been hit, perhaps even had a chance to save her son. On a more detached and practical level Anko knew that, had she made it, then she too would have been killed when Kyuubi's tail ploughed through the building. What made it all the more heartbreaking was that, shortly after finding out about her son's death, her husband-to-be became withdrawn and distant. Eventually he annulled the marriage agreement and fled the village, choosing instead to become a missing-nin rather than to face what had happened.

"Do you really believe that?" Asked the Recorder as he placed one wrinkled hand on the taller woman's shoulder. "No-one, especially not a... a disadvantaged person, such as you were, could have had any hope. Even the Fourth - may he rest peacefully - only managed to save a handful. You know that."

"I... I know that." Anko whispered, her voice cracking slightly as she tried to hold back her tears. "I saw them, wh-when I officiated part of the chuunin exam..." Her lips curled up in a bitter smirk as she continued. "Of course he'd save the Uchiha kid, as well as the Hyuuga girl. They were important, both part of big prestigious clans."

"That wasn't the reaso-"began the Recorder, though he was cut off as Anko merely began to speak louder.

"He saved Choumaru, Shikato and Inoshi's brats - they were the children of his drinking partners after all." Anko's voice was becoming more and more hard-edged as she went on and her eyes were starting to glaze over. "Even Haruno Sakuya got to have her daughter saved, but then that was to be expected, wasn't it? Little miss Haruno was his sister after all, so of course he'd save her daughter, his niece."

The Recorder, knowing of Anko's volatile temper, decided to try and calm her down a little. "Well," he began, "He did save Uzuma-"

The Jounin's hand smashed into the stone top of the tablet box, causing it to rattle rather worryingly. "Of course he did!" She half-screamed, "He wouldn't damn any of the others to that, would he!? They were important! No-one even knows what the Uzumaki brat was called before he was used! How could he pick some kid for that!? How could that bastard hokage decide who was important enough to save and who was worthless enough to damn!?"

Sighing to himself the older man pulled a chair out from under his work desk and carefully guided Anko into it, even as she began to deflate. "How could he save them a-and not... not my son...?" She asked, her anger all but gone now and entirely replaced with depression. "It... it wasn't fair..."

"Life," Replied the old man who, after more than a few years of going through with this was used to dealing with the explosive woman, "- is hardly ever what you could call 'fair' at all."

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An unfair life was something that one Uzumaki Naruto, Genin level ninja, knew all too well. Especially today, where unfair things seemed to be piling up on him.

Why, just this morning he had been dragged out of bed by an irate Kakashi and frogmarched into the nearest shinobi medical clinic. Apparently missing twelve years worth of medical examinations hadn't exactly been a good idea, especially since everyone seemed determined to get him to take them all now - with interest no less. Thus far he'd been poked and prodded, had numerous cold metal things put up against his skin and, to top it all off, they'd stuck a thermometer... Well. It didn't really bear thinking about where they'd put it.

At the moment he was stuck in a waiting room that was too small to even do a proper somersault. He'd already tried it once and had received a thorough yelling at over it. Though, that may have been because he had landed on what had apparently been a fairly costly little table covered in magazines. Well, 'landed on' may have been the wrong term, given that the tabletop had given way under him, 'landed in' may have been more appropriate.

"But Sakura-chaaaaan..." he whined, his hands clasped in front of him as he kneeled down in front of the people who had been ordered to make sure he didn't avoid the examinations. His own team seven. The traitors. Admittedly the team only consisted of Sakura and Kakashi at the moment, what with him being the 'prisoner' and Sasuke still... Well, it was best not to think about that right now since merely thinking about how Sasuke had acted in their fight hurt, it hurt a lot.

"No!" Haruno Sakura stood like a prison guard at the only door to the waiting room. Arms folded in front of her chest, the kunoichi-in-training glared at her 'prisoner'. "I'm not going to let you out Naruto, not after Hokage-sama said that all village inhabitants were required to have an up to date medical record."

If there was one thing that Naruto had been thankful for, it was that Tsunade had placed a complete ban on any mention of Sasuke. Whilst he knew that not knowing was causing Sakura pain he knew that anything he could say on the subject would cause even more. They weren't even allowed to say if they had succeeded or not, for either answer could cause an upsurge of resentment or panic in the general populace should it get out. Orochimaru? With access to the awesome power of the Sharingan? Or that a traitor with the power to rival almost any jounin was being held in one of the Leaf's interrogation chambers? Either answer would be the wrong one at this point. All Naruto, or anyone who had been present on the mission for that matter, could tell her was that they had all done their best to bring him back.

Whatever the reasons, they didn't stop Sakura from acting somewhat cold lately. Perhaps from worry, or anger that no-one would tell her something that was so important to the pink-haired girl.

"That," Spoke up the only other member of Team Seven, the jounin instructor Hatake Kakashi, "Would also include you."

Admittedly, Kakashi was somewhat dubious about the point of giving Naruto a medical checkup. It wasn't like the boy could ever be in anything other than perfect health after all. The sheer power of Kyuubi's chakra within him, even when mostly dormant, was capable of burning away pretty much every illness the boy could receive within hours, a day or two at the most, even something as stubborn as the common cold. As to physical health... well, the sheer fact that he'd managed to regenerate almost an entire lung, which had been pierced, burnt and partially-boiled in it's own blood by Sasuke's chidori technique, told more than enough. According to Tsunade's later examination of the lung, it hadn't been repaired by mere cell division and replacement but rather it had been as if the old cells had simply been restored to how they had been prior to their destruction.

In simpler terms, it meant that Naruto's regeneration didn't shorten his life span the way the Hokage's own regenerative technique did. To be blunt, she had said, there was a very high chance that Naruto would be unable to die from anything other than old age or an immediately fatal wound, he'd just keep regenerating anything less, no matter how serious it would be to a normal person.

"But... But..." Naruto stammered, totally oblivious to the thoughtful look Kakashi was wearing, "But Sakura-chan! Kakashi-sensei! If you don't let me leave then... uhm... I'll... I won't treat you to a giant bowl of Ramen tonight!"

Naruto grinned at his brilliance, everyone loved Ramen! To threaten to deny the near-godly foodstuff from someone would be an almost surefire way of getting them to do what he wanted which, in this case, was to let him escape.

Unfortunately, not everyone did love Ramen. Sakura, for one, was getting particularly sick of the stuff. Having it a few times a week wasn't' so bad, but every single day after every single mission... well. It'd drive anyone to hate it.

Well, anyone who wasn't Naruto at least. Even Chouji of team ten, who ate more than the entirety of team seven combined, would probably get fed up with eating Ramen every day.

This, quite neatly, explained why Sakura's reaction to Naruto's 'threat' was to plant one fist quite painfully in the shorter boy's face. With all her strength behind the blow she succeeded in launching him across the waiting room and into the opposite wall, just inches from where Kakashi was lounging against it.

"Who'd be afraid of that!?" She screamed, "Not everyone wants to eat Ramen every day like you do!" Folding her arms in front of her chest, Sakura glared at Naruto. "The only way I'm letting you out is when you get called up for your blood test, I am not going to lose my payment for this mission because you're afraid of the doctor!"

Naruto's ears perked up. Payment? So, not only was his team against him, but they were getting paid to hold him here too!? Sitting down on the floor, arms and legs crossed as he sulked, the young genin pondered this. Only one person would be fiendishly evil and cunning enough to pay his own team to hold him against his will. And for medical reasons no less.

Oh yes, he was so going to yell at Tsunade when he got the chance.

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It was three days later when the letter came, stuffed haphazardly into his letterbox as if the deliverer hadn't cared what condition it arrived in.

Which was, as it happened, exactly the case.

Still, the mere fact that a letter had arrived was unusual enough as far as Naruto was concerned. Well, okay, the fact that a letter that wasn't trapped with bomb, gas or poison had arrived was unusual. Staring at the address on the envelope, Naruto noted that it had been stamped with a hospital seal on the back. Evidently, then, it was the results of all his testing... or an order to go up for more.

Normally the blonde Genin would ignore such a letter but, what with Tsunade being rather touchy over the subject of his medical health, Naruto figured that it would probably be safer in the long run to read it. And so he did, breaking open the seal and pulling out the contents.

He read it.

He read it again.

Then, just to be sure, Naruto carefully placed the letter down on the table he had been sitting at and ran off to have a cold shower. When he returned he read the letter once more.

Given that the contents hadn't changed, it was obvious that he hadn't been dreaming it.

"Dear UzumakiNaruto" he read. Most of the letter appeared to have been typed, except for where a few handwritten words provided names and dates. "The results of your extensive blood testing are complete. As per request, additional testing was carried out to determine genetic lineage."

Naruto wasn't sure what 'genetic lineage' meant, but he was pretty damn certain that he hadn't requested anything of the hospital. Except, maybe, the odd scream to let him go. But nothing else really.

"We are pleased to announce that we have discovered, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that according to your D.N.A, your birth Mother." Naruto's hand's trembled slightly as he read. He knew that the hospital could find out about peoples parents and stuff, but he'd also heard that it was very, very expensive to do so. Apparently, for one test, it would cost him almost as much as he would earn in an entire years worth of missions. Even then, he had been told, sometimes it took two or three tests to get a clear answer.

He'd considered applying for such a test when he could afford it, probably around about the time he made jounin. For him to have the results of a test now could mean only one thing... someone else had paid for it.

He had a pretty fair idea who it had been too.

And if he was really lucky, he may even manage get her to admit that this was one really sick and twisted joke.

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End - Chapter 1

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Authors Notes:

Heyho all. ;; I haven't written much recently have I?

Anyhow, Betrothal isn't dead. It's just... in a coma. A coma induced by such things a block, computer games and lots and lots of mecha anime. . ;; oh. And university too.

Mostly though, it's simply because I've tried multiple writings of the next Betrothal chapter and none of them work. O.O; I fear I may have written myself into a corner. Aaaaa but I'm working on it. it'll come out eventually.

Lackey H, who still has no chance of beating Eimii's record lack of update break... But by heck, he's trying!


	2. Chapter two

Bubbling Water Spiral

A Naruto fanfiction

By LackeyH

Episode two.

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It wasn't often that the world famous medical specialist, Tsunade, got any time to herself these days. If she wasn't busy reviewing and signing mission reports, she was allocating the B, A and S class missions. Even on what were supposed to be her days off she was usually down visiting the hospitals of Konoha and yelling at the staff to work more efficiently.

Fortunately she had saved herself some trouble and had managed to delegate the task of dealing with the, far more irritating and numerous, D and C rank missions, along with the payment for completed missions, to someone else. Even now, Shizune was off in the adjoining room deciding which genin team, or recently promoted chuunin, would work best on which low-ranking mission whilst.

Of course, in Tsunade's eyes the fact that she herself wasn't signing off the hundreds of C and D rank missions wasn't the important thing. No, the important thing was that Shizune, her walking, talking conscience, wasn't around to bother her. A fact that meant Tsunade could escape this thrice damned office room and go wreak havoc on the local bars and casinos. Not that there were as many in Konoha as there were in other similar-sized settlements, but one could always make do with what one could get.

Being careful so as not to disturb the piles of paperwork that littered her office (someday she'd get it all finished and cleared away, but not today), Tsunade crept around to the main door. Kneeling down she pulled a slim mirror from a fold in her robe and slipped it through the gap between the door and the floor below it. It was an old trick, one that used to be in great usage until the invention of various spying jutsu. Since Shizune would probably detect most of those, it fell to old-fashioned methods to plot her escape.

Bending down to look at the reflection in mirror through the crack, Tsunade grimaced. Two guards stood outside, even though she had repeatedly stated that she didn't like having an honor guard like the Third had. Come to think of it, these two were probably under Shizune's orders to not let herself out until she'd finished the paperwork. Well. She'd show them! She wasn't a legendary sannin for nothing after all!

Right then, she could pull off a simple Henge and a basic Genjutsu discretely enough to avoid alerting Shizune, her apprentice would probably notice anything stronger... so... yes, she had a plan. First she would transform into Shizune, then place an illusion of herself working, no, sleeping would be easier, at her desk. Once that was done she could just stroll out of the room, past the guards and straight towards the nearest bar.

Her plan, simple as it was, proceeded quite smoothly. The guards, after peeking inside the office and being taken in by the illusion of a sleeping Tsunade, didn't even question the real one as she passed them by.

Unfortunately all plans, no matter how good, had flaws in them. In this case the flaw wore an orange jumpsuit and answered to the name of Naruto.

Tsunade, still disguised as Shizune, had made it to the glass doors of the lobby area of the building. Apart from a few messengers, a bored-looking secretary and a number of people looking to hire a ninja, the room was pretty empty. Okay, so there were quite a few people here, but only the secretary was a ninja, and he wasn't exactly skilled enough to break her Henge so in Tsunade's eyes, the room was as good as empty.

So focused was she on getting out of the building, Tsunade wasn't exactly paying as much attention as she should have to what was going on outside. It was at the exact moment that she was about to pull open the outer doors that they exploded inwards as one orange clad boy barreled through them.

Now, Tsunade was an excellent ninja, so such an action didn't particularly phase her in the slightest. Unfortunately though, a basic henge technique would almost always be dispelled by a sudden physical shock. Having a thirteen year old boy slam into ones gut, well, if that wasn't a physical shock, what was?

There was a gasp from the crowd as a cloud of smoke, a byproduct of the henge technique, appeared from nowhere, displacing the air that had already been present with a loud popping sound. From the smoke cloud an angry Fifth Hokage, her hands wrapped around the neck of a young Hokage-wannabe, fell to the floor.

As more bursts of smoke appeared throughout the room, signaling the arrival of ninja guards who had been attracted by the commotion, Tsunade pulled Naruto's head close to hers and growled softly into his ear.

"Damn you," She whispered, "I was this close to being out of here for a few hours. This. Damn. Close." Punctuating her words with a slight pressure on Naruto's neck, not enough to hurt but enough to make him feel particularly uncomfortable, Tsunade continued to mumble in annoyance even as several people reached in to pry her off of the younger boy.

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Sighing to herself, Mitarashi Anko threw herself into a comfy chair nestled in one corner of the small lounge. Around her a variety other shinobi leant against bare walls or pulled up small wooden stools to sit upon.

"This sucks," Complained the raven-haired woman, to no-one in particular. "I mean this really, really sucks."

"You said it boss," Came the reply from one of the older shinobi, one that Anko knew as a friend in a vague sort of way.

"Why have we gotta play babysitter to the damned Hokage anyway? Can't she take care of herself?" Sinking into the soft cushioning of the chair, which she had declared that morning to be an 'Anko-only' zone, the irritated jounin glared at the ceiling. Almost as if she was trying to use her glare to bore through to the Hokage's office above.

"Given that she failed to escape the building," Began one of the younger members of the group, "I'd guess not."

"Feh, if I wasn't laughing my ass off inside, I'd report you for that Akagi," replied Anko, a smug smirk plastered across her face. "But... Heh, can you really believe she got knocked to the floor by the nine-tails brat? That's just too damn funny, you know?"

"I don't see what the Fifth sees in scum like him." Grumbled the older squad member as he idly cleaned his fingernails with the point of a kunai. "You say anything bad about the brat where she can hear you and wham! You get slapped across the room thanks to her super strength."

"Heh, I hear ya." Whispered the final member of the four-strong guard squad. "I heard she threatened to kick Hiashi so hard even his grandchildren would feel it after he called the Nine-tails kid a disgrace to Konoha."

That comment made Anko sit up straight in her seat, "Hiashi?" She asked, her voice incredulous. "She threatened Hiashi Hyuuga!? Damn, no-one's ever threatened the Hyuuga head like that before... Even the Fourth wussed out rather than confront him."

The two older members of the squad, used to hearing such comments about the Fourth from Anko, said nothing. The youngest, Akagi by name, wasn't. Which would explain why he looked up and leveled a flat gaze at his superior. "Yeah right," He stated, "Everyone knows the Fourth wasn't afraid of anything." Beside him his two companions, wincing slightly, edged away from where Akagi sat. They knew how bad an idea it was to contradict anything Anko had said.

Surprisingly, rather than go on a psychopathic rampage resulting in the near death of their young comrade like they had expected, Anko just sat there.

"Yeah." She muttered, her voice heavy. "Whatever."

With that she pulled herself out of her chair and slipped out of the room, the door pulling shut with a soft click behind her.

"Huh?" The older squad member blinked in surprise. "Looks like you got lucky this time Akagi," he stated. "Normally she'd bite your head off at least for going against her views like that."

His companion shrugged and moved to follow Anko. "Eh, maybe it's all the sake she drank this morning finally kicking in. You know how moody she gets when she's drunk. She swings more than an ape in a jungle, right?" He grinned at his joke as he tried the door.

He blinked. Then he tried the door again.

"Aw crap," He muttered, "That damn psycho's locked us in! It's gonna take us an hour at least to get all the wards undone so we can force the lock!"

On the other side of the door, hiding a small smirk of superiority, Mitarashi Anko stood, wondering just when the super strong stink bombs that she had left on her seat would go off...

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Up in her office Tsunade whimpered slightly at the piles of work on her desk. Shizune, having decided that Tsunade was being a slacker, had quite happily ordered the older woman to do her work in addition to what she already had to do.

Being ordered about by a non-ranked shinobi was something that many people would, or could, never even consider the Hokage doing. The simple fact was, however, that Shizune was practically Tsunade's conscience. The legendary medic had learnt, a long time ago, that it was usually for the best to listen when Shizune told her to do something. Mainly because she was usually right about it.

Though, looking at stacks of forms that reached almost to the ceiling, Tsunade was seriously reconsidering her views on Shizune. Mainly she was reconsidering why she had let the girl hang around with her in the first place.

Oh wait, that's right. She had needed someone to drag her home when she, inevitably, passed out drunk in the bars she visited. Ha, yes, and she had needed something to do during that long boring periods when both bars and casinos were shut. What was it called again? Oh, yes, Daytime.

So Tsunade had taken Shizune in, part as a student, part as a servant. Eventually she was student, servant and friend, but that had come about some time late.

"Oi!"

The fifth Hokage twitched slightly as Naruto yelled at her, waving a piece of paper in her face. It was all his fault she was here, if he had not have ran into her at such speed she would have been able to keep her disguise going until she was well clear of the building. But noooooo, Uzumaki Naruto, the little brat, just had to come and screw everything up didn't he. And probably for some completely stupid and immature reasoning. Like an autograph for one of his friends maybe. Tsunade had heard that quite a few of the genin, as well as a handful of chuunin, level Kunoichi viewed her with the same awe that most teenage girls view idol singers. Having one of them beg Naruto, whom everyone knew was a personal friend of the Hokage, for an autograph or something similar would not be too unlikely.

Snatching the paper out of Naruto's hand, ignoring his cry of protest as she did so, Tsunade glanced at the paper and paused.

This looked like a medical report.

But she'd ordered all reports from Naruto's checkup should go to her, since Naruto probably wouldn't understand their significance.

So then, what, exactly, was this report about? There were very few medical documents that she, as Hokage and a legendary medic, couldn't have diverted to her office. Amongst them were things such as pregnancy tests and anything pertaining to family secrets. She wasn't allowed, for instance, to see documents related to the metabolism of the Akimichi clan, due to how their secret techniques worked. They, like most of the secretive families, had specially appointed doctors, usually those who were related in some way to the clan, to look over such delicate matters.

As she read the report, Tsunade's eyes widened until she was staring at the paper as if it had spontaneously grown teeth and bitten her hand. Her mouth opened a few times, no words coming out because, frankly, she couldn't think of anything she could say about it at all. She was dimly aware of Naruto's complaining and, even as she ignored it, the Hokage absently reached out to ruffle his hair, which naturally made him complain all the more.

The report was shocking, to say the least. As far as she'd been aware, Naruto's parents had been killed back when the Kyuubi had attacked. Then again, she hadn't been the sannin she was now and had, it seemed, been fed some prefabricated story along with the rest of the village. After all, if the village knew anyone who was related to Naruto then, well, they'd probably be just as ostracized as the young genin was today. If the aforementioned relative was someone who already had a shady past then Tsunade didn't particularly want to think about what would have happened.

Evidently the story about Naruto being an orphan was meant to protect his parents as much as it gave the Third a good reason to make sure he could control exactly who had access to Naruto. It wouldn't do to let some vengance-seeking fanatic work as his sitter, obviously. She dimly remembered that the Third had pulled in a variety of woman from outside the village to look after Naruto, at least until he was able to support himself.

"Naruto," She finally whispered, cutting through the blond boy's babbling about her ignoring him. "You seem to think this is a joke, don't you?"

The genin merely folded his arms and gave her a slightly worried stare. "That," he asked after a few moments silence, "can't be true. It just can't be. Right? Right? It's not true, it's just some stupid joke meant to piss me off, right? That's right isn't it?" Tsunade noted the slight hysteria that crept into his voice and sighed to herself.

"Maybe, maybe not. But have you considered what it would mean if it was true?" She cocked her head to one side, trying to picture how this brash, over confidant boy could be related to the woman named on the report. Well, okay, so their personalities as she knew them were very, very similar. But other than that there wasn't much to indicate any relation. "It would mean, for a start, that you would have a mother."

Naruto's arms dropped to his sides almost as fast as his gaze fell to the floor at his feet. "But..." he whispered, "I-"

"It's okay Naruto, you don't have to make a choice on anything yet." Pointed out Tsunade, "If you wanted you could ignore this, and act as it if had never happened." She smiled down at the boy in front of her, who looked to be on the verge of tears. "Or... I could have her sent up right away, and we can discuss this now."

The blond genin stared at the floor, his vision growing misty with held-back tears. "If... If I left here now," he whispered, "Then... then I'd never know, right?" Lifting his head so that he could lock eyes with the Hokage, he smiled slightly. "Call her." He stated, "Before I change my mind."

"Hn," Tsunade grinned at him. "Somehow, I don't think you will. But alright." Stepping smartly over to her office door, she flung it open with a force that sent the two guards on the other side flying. Given that this happened pretty much every other day, they weren't particularly fazed by it. When Tsunade told them who to locate, however, the two stared at her in terror.

"Are, are you sure?" Whimpered one, Izumi by name, "But it's her lunch break now!"

"Yeah!" Agreed the other, "We don't want to die!"

"Oi, Tsunade," Naruto piped up from behind the Hokage. "are you sure these guys are ninja? They seem kinda wussy..."

"You'd be afraid too if you ever had to work with that psycho!" Yelled Izumi, leaning around Tsunade to do so. "No-one ever survives a session with her in their squad!"

"Yeah!" Agreed, once more, his companion. "I heard she sent her entire guard squad to the infirmary by poisoning them with super stink bombs meant to scare away giant animals."

"Super stink bombs?" Breathed the blonde-haired boy. "That's so... so..."

"Stinky?" Offered a female voice from the far end of the corridor. There, munching on her favorite snack, stood the feared Mitarashi Anko herself. "I heard you were looking for me Hokage-sama?"

Chapter 2 end.

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Doot de doot. It's here. I'm gone. Be back next time I post something. .;;

What? You're angry that I'm taking so long in posting things? Well, uh... LOOK! THREE HEADED OROCHIMARU! flees

Lackey H - Hiding from his readers behind the uber-scary (and yummy to boot) Tayuya.


	3. Chapter three

Bubbling Water Spiral

A Naruto fanfiction

By LackeyH

Episode Three.

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"I heard you were looking for me Hokage-sama." It wasn't hard to miss the disrespect evident in the tone of Anko's voice. Heck, even if she hadn't spoken it would be hard to miss. Her entire body language seemed to be screaming 'screw you' as loud as humanely possible. Louder even.

Tsunade sent the special jounin a flat glare, one that slid off of her like a skate over ice. "Do you always eavesdrop on conversations?" She asked, feeling somewhat irritated that she hadn't noticed the woman until now. "I would have thought someone of your level would have a better grasp on basic manners and courtesy."

"Eh." Anko shrugged. "I dun' give a damn about manners, and you can shove courtesy where the sun don't shine for all I care." Sliding up to where everyone was gathered, Anko raised her lip in a slight sneer. "And if you must know Hokage-sama," She drawled, sarcasm dripping from every word, and motioned towards the two guards. "I was just coming over to give these two numbnuts a surprise inspection... Which they failed by the way."

The two guards groaned, being failed by Anko usually meant punishment. Running around the village until they collapsed from exhaustion for example, or perhaps having to act as sparring partners for Anko herself. Worst of all though, she could send them off to one of Gai's monthly poetry readings in her place... Whilst no-one could butcher the spoken language as badly as that man, his general personality made the experience so much more horrifying.

Talk about cruel and unusual.

Ignoring them both, Tsunade spun on one heel and stomped back into her office, pausing only to glare at Anko and give her a rather sharp order to follow. Naruto scooted out of her way in order to avoid being knocked down, he knew the look on the Fifth's face. It was the sort of look that said 'get in my way and I'll use you as a welcome mat'. Evidently Anko had a knack for peeving her off, a knack which he himself was actually pretty glad not to have. As the black-haired special Jounin followed Tsunade in, past Naruto, the genin scooted back somewhat more. The Fifth may have been the stronger and more deadly of the two women but, damn it, Anko was by far the scariest.

And she was supposed to be...

He must have done something truly awful in a past life in order to deserve this, or else he had really pissed off whatever dieties were around.

Throwing the two guards an worried look, and getting somewhat sympathetic ones in reply, he followed the two women into the Hokage's office.

"Poor kid," Murmured one of the guards. "Even he doesn't deserve to be stuck with those two right now."

"You said it man, you said it."

"Still... better him than us, right?"

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"THE HELL?"

Naruto, deciding for once that not being the center of attention right now would be a damn good thing, held his breath as he backed away from where Anko stood screaming. His objective was clear, the small door which connected the Hokage's office to the Hokage's living quarters. From there he could escape through the living quarters door, into the main corridor and down the stairs to the main reception and blessed freedom.

Unfortunately for him, however, Anko and Tsunade were both very high level ninja. Which of course meant that he had barely moved two steps towards the door before the both of them turned to glare at him. Tsunade wasn't angry with him in particular, but she'd be damned if she was going to let Naruto get out of this room when she herself could not.

Anko, on the other hand, was angry at him. Well no, actually she was angry at a variety of things which, unfortunately, were well out of her reach when it came to the idea of revenge. Thus the bulk of her rage was being directed at both Naruto and Tsunade - simply because they were the only two people present.

"There is no goddamn way this is real!" Anko yelled, slamming the document she had been holding onto Tsunade's desk. An act which, incidentally, sent a whole mess of other paperwork crashing to the floor.

Glaring at the stricken pile of paper, which she knew Shizune was going to make her clear up later, Tsunade ground her teeth in fury.

"This is a real as it damn-well gets." She half-snarled, "He matches and you match."

"It's a mistake, some stupid accident." Came the, also snarling, reply.

"These results are in triplicate," Pointed out the older of the two women. "Unless they screwed up in the exact same way three times, then they're completely accurate."

Anko took a step back then, her anger being replaced by a mix of confusion and more than a little fear. "but..." she began. "That's not..."

Tsunade sighed. She knew, vaguely at least, of Anko's background and had already guessed how things would proceed. Anger, rejection of the truth, denial... the whole nine yards as it were.

"He doesn't even look like -" Tried Anko, before Tsunade cut her off with a raised hand.

"Doesn't matter." She stated, "Regressive genes, genetic drift and mutation, side-effect of the sealing used as a child. There are hundreds of reasons why he doesn't have much resemblance. None of them, however, can deny the one single truth."

Naruto grimaced from his spot behind the two women. He hadn't exactly understood what Tsunade had meant. But he wasn't too happy about the way things were proceeding at all.

"Mitarashi Anko." Tsunade stated, her voice quiet. "That is your son. Uzumaki Naruto."

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Anko stumbled out of Tsunade's office, barely aware of the two guards who scrambled to get out of her way. At some point she managed to navigate her way down more than a few flights of stairs without, and this was an important point, actually realizing she had come across any. Behind her trailed the somewhat shocked form of Uzumaki Naruto, who was still in possession of most of his rational thoughts since he'd worked off the bulk of the shock when he himself had found out earlier.

Uzuma... no. Mitarashi Naruto? That sounded weird, too weird, weird and scary no less. His mother, confirmed via the oh so helpful staff of the Konoha genetics research department, was the freakiest, most insane, crazy and bloodthirsty kunoichi in all the village!

"So... uh..." he began, somewhat hesitantly once they'd cleared the entrance to the hokage tower. "What, uhm, what now?"

Anko twitched and turned to stare at him. She took in every aspect of his looks, from the grubby orange outfit he wore to the mess that was his hair. She twitched again, fighting the urge to do something stupid like, perhaps, going and getting blind stinking drunk. Actually, a drink sounded like a good idea. Maybe something to eat too, she still hadn't actually had her lunch yet.

"Food." She growled, "Food and drink and then... then..." the special jounin trailed off. Then what? She couldn't just leave the kid, not with the hokage keeping an eye on the both. Such action was bound to land her in deeper shit than she was already in. "... then... we go... catch up?" She suggested at last, her voice sounding perhaps a little more strained than she had wanted.

"That..." began Naruto, "That sounds... good. I guess." He risked smiling at the older woman before suggesting his favorite foodstuff. "Ramen?"

"Nuh-uh." Denied Anko, shaking her head. "Dango. Dango and Juice."

"Ramen." Came the response.

"Dango." Came an even quicker reply.

Then the two grinned at each other.

"Ramen AND dango!" They declared together, each facing the other and thoroughly freaking out more than a few innocent bystanders.

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"Mmf. Thish dango ish, un, pretty good!" Mumbled Naruto, who was busy stuffing his face with the rice-flour treats.

"Eh, 's not as nice as the good stuff. But that's hella' expensive. Y'know?" Muttered his partner in eating, Anko. Who was mildly peeved at having to pay for everything she and Naruto had eaten. Well, what Naruto had eaten anyway, her own meal had been like a drop of water when compared to the oceans of ramen that Naruto had devoured. Still, it hadn't been too bad... the kid was enough like her to have some common ground - even if it was just on the subject of how best to annoy everyone around them.

"I guess..." whined the young genin. "But you're a jounin! You get tons of cash for the missions you do!"

"Ah, _special_ jounin." Corrected the woman, "That means we only get jounin pay when we do what we're good at. For everything else, it's just chuunin pay." She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Not that i expect you to know that, special jounin isn't exactly an option they tell you about in the academy."

"Why not? It doesn't sound too bad to me..." For a moment Naruto wondered what to say next, then he brightened up as a thought came to him. "So what are you good at then, huh?"

Anko merely grinned at him, and it wasn't a particularly reassuring grin either. "Assassination." She stated, "Assassination and intimidation. I'm the gal they call up to scare seven shades of shit outta the enemy. The idea is to scare 'em so silly they give up on the spot without a fight, and if that fails... then I slaughter everyone in charge." As she talked a manic gleam was developing in her eyes, the sort that Naruto generally took as a signal to slowly back away. "There was this one time, a few years ago, when I scared the crap outta the grass countries lord, this was before they had a real ninja village see, and I was supposed to be helping to convince him to let us bootstrap one up from the wandering clans they had there."

Glancing at the boy beside her, and seeing him torn between running in fear and wanting to hear what happened next, Anko decided to continue with her talk. "See, most ninja villages pop up when a bunch of independent ninja clans get together and decide to join forces." She paused and thought for a moment. "It's kinda like having the Nara, Yamanaka and mebbe the Akimichi just wandering into each other one day and saying, 'hey, lets all live here, no-one could beat all three of us', only on a larger scale."

"Ooooooh!" Exclaimed Naruto, waving his arms about somewhat. "I get it! So you were there to get the Grass country lord to, er..." He paused, somewhat embarrassed. "... I don't get it." He admitted finally, his arms dropping to his sides. "I mean... I kinda guess Konoha wanted the grass village to be made, so you were there to help get a bunch of the clans to set one up... but I don't get why... Isn't another ninja village a bad thing?"

"Not when it's right between Stone and us it's not." Came the reply, "You know we were at war with them for quite a while, yeah? Well the idea was to put a 'buffer' in between us and them. We'd been getting reports that a bunch o' renegades - cloud and mist missing-nin mostly - were ganging up with the locals to build a village of their own in Rain country, so that place was pretty much left to it's own things. Anyway, the high-ups figured that if we seeded a village in grass country, then any invading stone force would have to fight their way through them and Rain first, meaning we'd get plenty of warning, time to prepare and a bunch of allies too." Feeling a little peckish, even after the meal the two had just eaten, Anko glanced over at the two sticks of dango Naruto had left. "So, uh, I'll tell ya more if ya give me one of them sticks, yeah?"

The genin frowned at her. "You had your own!" he exclaimed, turning to shield his remaining dango from... from... "eh!" His dango had gone! Both sticks had just vanished! Gone without a trace from his hand, stolen from his grip like...

Wait a minute...

"OI! Gimme back my Dango!" He yelled, whirling around to face Anko again. Sure enough she was now in possession of two stick of dango... well, one and a half now, given that she'd already begun to chow down on one of them. "You had your own!" he whined.

"Yeah, and don't forget who paid for yours! And your ramen! You musta cost me a weeks pay on that lunch alone!" Anko roared, before promptly sutffing both sticks of dango in her mouth. "Anf i fould fe graful if i waf oo!" She managed to say around the sweet dumplings before finally managing to swallow. "You're even getting the honor of hearing about my adventures as a kid!"

"Pfff. Yeah, right." Grumbled the blond genin. "You probably just hid behind your teacher aaaaall the way through. Didn't you!" He accused, causing Anko to turn red with rage.

"The hell I did!" She yelled, before taking a savage bite out of what was left of Naruto's, now her, dango. "Oro-sama never let me hide behind-" She paused and slapped one hand over her mouth, realizing what she'd just said in anger. "Shit." She moaned under it.

"Oro... sama?" There was silence for a few moments. Then Naruto practically exploded. "Gyah! You mean that freaky snake guy was your teacher!" He frowned. "No wonder you're so creepy and crazy. Huh. And I thought you were just insane or something." Anko's eye twitched as Naruto continued. "What with the freaky outfit, and that creepy cutting thing you did before the exam, and that entrance of yours... Though that was pretty cool, it was still crazy!"

Anko twitched some more. "Kid... If you don't shut up," She growled, "I'ma gonna have to ram a couple of my kunai where it hurts. Understand? And then I'll follow it up with a sharp iron enema just to make sure you don't ever think of insulting your dear, sweet, mother like that again."

"Bah! You're about as dear and sweet as a lemon! How could any mother treat their son like that?" Accused the young genin in response.

Anko stumbled, the boy's statement hitting her like a hammer to the brain. How _could_ any mother treat her son like that? How could she? If Naruto really was her lost son, and frankly she still held some rather serious doubts about that, then how could she have threatened to... ? She'd spent years, _years_, mourning the 'loss' of her son, claiming how awesome a parent she would have been. Every day she'd had to live with the stares of the old women who had said that nothing good would come of her having a child with...

Old women who'd been proven right when her son had been declared dead after the Kyuubi attack.

Old women who'd been proven right once more when he'd left her, running away from everything he had held dear and leaving her alone.

Old women who, if they had been watching now, would have been proved right a third time. She, Mitarashi Anko, the failure of a mother who had been presented with the person who could be her supposedly dead son, had just threatened to fill him with various sharp objects in places they really didn't belong.

Maybe the old women were right about everything else she was too.

"I'm sorry..." She whispered, looking away from Naruto. "I didn't really... I mean... I don't..."

The boy in question glanced as the older woman, who only a few moments ago had been, as Gai would put it, 'a prideful shinobi of the leaf', practically collapsed in on herself. "... hey," He ventured after a few moments of silence. "Hey... you, you want to keep telling your story?" he suggested. "It... it sounded really cool!" He practically bounced on the floor, "I want to hear what you did! I... I mean, you must have succeeded, right? 'cuz I know there is a grass village since they were at the exam! So how'd you do it, huh? Huh?"

Anko stared at Naruto for a few moments, then smirked slightly, standing back up into her usual cocky posture. "Damn right I did!" She exclaimed, privately thankful that the boy didn't seem to want to make an issue of her sudden and rather minor guilt trip. Well, minor when compared to some she'd had, which usually ended with her getting so drunk that she couldn't remember how she got home, let alone what she had been angsting over. So what if Naruto was her kid, it wasn't that bad right? At least he was, as kids went, pretty kickass.

Oh sure, he had the whole... kyuubi... thing, but that wasn't too bad. Especially when compared to some of the things her teacher had done - at least Naruto hadn't gone off the deep end and slaughtered anyone.

At least, he hadn't gone and slaughtered anyone and been discovered. Being discovered was the important bit there, until then he was just like any other ninja kid more or less.

"So, anyway," She began after a moment, hesitating only slightly over what she was about to say, "Oro-sama had come up with this great plan to convince the guy. See, whilst he and a few men negotiated, I'd gone off and hired a few people from the local ninja clans and, basically, we attacked the place." Anko smirked viciously for a moment as she let it sink into Naruto's head.

"Wait... you... attacked the guy you were trying to convince?" The genin frowned for a minute, "But there were some people who weren't part of the... Ooooh! I get it!" Naruto beamed up at the older woman. "It was a trick! Right? Right?"

"Heh, yup. A pretty damn good trick. We attacked while Oro-sama and the guys who had stayed with him defended the Grass Lord. The clincher was when I skipped past everyone and got, like, almost nose-to-nose with the fat man and hit him point blank with one of the fear jutsu I knew." The special-jounin cackled, causing Naruto - and everyone else within hearing distance - to back away somewhat. "Poor guy didn't know what hit him! Crapped himself silly! 'course... then Oro-sama hit me one in the head and knocked me out... but hey! The moment we got removed from the room they Grass Lord was practically begging to have us help set up a village in the country!"

Again Naruto frowned for a moment, "So," He began after a while, "Oro... " the boy paused for a moment, unwilling to say that name. "... your teacher set up a demonstration? To show just how vital a shinobi could be, especially if they were on his side. Right?"

"Eh," Came the reply, "Pretty much. Didn't quite work out how we planned it though, since those bastards that run the Grass village soon stabbed us in the back and decided they'd rather be allies of Stone..." Anko snorted in irritation, "Lousy traitors. Still, at least Rain are on our side - which is good. Got some of the best damn builders in the world over in Rain, most of the construction repair work here is being done by some of 'em that got sent over."

"Aren't you worried they could be spies or something?" Naruto asked, "It's not like anyones guards any of the builders or anything..."

"Eh, not really. Out of all the other villages, Rain is probably the closest ally we have, though when it comes to something like this... Physically their village isn't strong enough to help us much and support themselves at the same time." Anko shrugged, "but hey, anything that keeps me from having to do any building myself is good in my book. The reason we can trust 'em is simple - Their current leader just so happened to be the Third's younger brother. There's been more than a few treaties sealed by inter-village marriages with 'em and they know it."

Naruto pondered this piece of information for a few moments. "... you can get married to someone in another village? Isn't that kinda... stupid?"

"Eh, yeah, it is." Came the reply, "But it's the best option to ensure a bit peace treaty or the like stays sealed. It's also a common punishment for villages which lose a war too. Back when the war with the Stone ended, we took more than a few of their best ninja in exchange for not wiping 'em off the map." The older woman smirked slightly then, "They were probably expecting execution, that's the usual thing some villages do, but instead we left 'em alive, and set some of our most eligible singles on 'em. By about the third month after they came in, half of 'em were planning marriages and the other half had either died trying to escape or were living as ex-ninja." Suddenly turning to the left, and almost knocking Naruto over as she did so, Anko began to lead the blonde genin down a series of back alleys and tiny walkways. "You better be remembering this, or you'll get lost in minutes." She stated, earning a nod of assent from the boy behind her.

Eventually the two of them reached a little building which, for all intents and purposes, appeared to be suspended some distance above the ground. From what Naruto could see it was hanging from several thick steel cables that were connected to the buildings that surrounded it.

"Well, this is home. Like it?"

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Authors notes:

La la la la... lookie. I wrote something. Go me.

XD I'm not dead! I'm not dead!

Betrothal seems to be on an almost permanent haitus here, since every time i sit down to look at it... i... end up... doing something else instead. Such as chapter 2 of Tenten's bizzare adventure - which is shaping up to be another 10,000+ word behemoth like chapter 1 was. Eesh.

Chapter 4 of this is working, along with two one-shots i have moving along and a possible challenge-fic i'm gonna be setting out. Hrm. HA! I should challenge myself to write more betrothal. Ugh. Maybe then i'd get some done.

PS: Stop asking me to write lemons dammit. Or i'll write you the most godawfully twisted lemon imaginable - then you'll be sorry you asked, Mwahahaahah!

LackeyH - Pondering the ponderations pondered by such ponderers as Shizune. Because she's obviously up to something...


End file.
